Un-escape

Today, for some reason, I mentioned to a group that I tutor what I want to do when I grow up.

"I want to be a campground host."

"...Why?"

"I want to be in the woods. I want to be a campground host. And just be."

"Then you don't even need to be in college."

"Yeah, it was probably a big mistake. Now I'll have to have a career to pay it off. But maybe then I can be a campground host."

"...Why?"

"Or live in a spiritual community. Like this Quaker commune in Maine that I read about. And just be."

At this point, they consider me legitimately crazy. But this is what I want. As I considered it, I wondered--am I pursuing some form of escapism? But honestly, I believe my desires to be the opposite of that.

I am.

That is my reality.

As such, why continue to operate under these rules? Why the car, the education, the computer, the blog? Rather than calm me, rather than help me to understand my inner self more fully, these keep me from myself. These distract me. These are the escape. To live solely for the purpose of being one with myself, to live in community with others, to be a part of all that I do--to grow my food, make my clothes, construct my shelter--is the un-escape. Not an escape from reality, but a recognition of reality. Of truth, perhaps.

All of this, this, this stressed me out. To be one with myself and others. To be one. To be. That is my desire.

No one.

Nothing.

No thing.

No.